Christmas invokes so many feelings. As the external temperature goes down, internal emotions tend to rise, bringing it with it anticipation, excitement and for some people – dread.
For Survivors of sexual abuse (or in fact any abuse) within a family or close social circle Christmas is often an extremely difficult time. All around us we are confronted with pictures, adverts and signals that this is a time for “family”. Along with this Survivors are often pressurised by parents, siblings and relatives into attending festive meals, events and gatherings and told that at this time of the year in particular they should “forgive and forget” for the sake of the family.
So how do we navigate extremely painful situations many Survivors have to face over the “season of good will” – when they are expected to spend time with people who have been very damaging to them?
The positive side of Christmas is that it provides an opportunity to look at relationships when they are often very magnified. There is nothing like a group of people (ie an extended family) being forced to spend relatively long hours together, couped up in one place, to bring underlying tensions to the surface! This sometimes makes it easier to see the hidden dynamics, relationships and power struggles being acted out clearly – which can also be the source of some extremely rich therapeutic material.
However, in our Women Survivors Groups we spend many painful hours (and none more so than at Christmas time) discussing and processing extremely difficult decisions about contact, confrontation and reconciliation not just with strained relationships but with the actual abuser and also with other family members who may have been complicit in the abuse. The pressure often being forced on the Survivor to forgive and “come home” and causing them to suffer – with often no burden put on the perpetrator to take any responsibility for their actions.
Conversations about Christmas contact with destructive people from the past inevitably raises the question of re-abuse (in all its forms) and how easy it is for this is to happen. After all you are often back in surroundings and with people who may well not have changed. Taking action to discuss boundaries setting before a visit can be a good source of reference for people who feel compelled to go back into situations. Especially if they go back with the hope that things will be different this time (“unfinished business”) and then find themselves in possible danger of re-victimization be that sexual, physical, emotional or verbal. John Townsend describes this as “helpful hiding” which is to protect us by setting “appropriate limits on the irresponsibility or selfishness of others”. These include “both verbal and physical boundaries which may involve saying no or geographically leaving the room or house and calling for help”. (Source: “Hiding From Love” – John Townsend)
On the other hand, in some cases, Christmas could be the perfect opportunity to seize power that has been denied in the past and to illustrate personal growth and strength. Some years ago, one woman in our Women Survivors Group Courses made a courageous decision at the end of our course together which fell in mid December. As other group members were reluctantly submitting to family pressure to attend Christmas gatherings she resisted. “I want to do something different” she said and cancelled her flight home and instead decided to spend the holiday with a friend. We were all impressed. It was for her a healthy and brave decision and I personally hoped the beginning of a new start where she was able to make choices on her terms – and even have a Christmas she enjoyed.