What Betrayal Is
Deceiving people is the worst part of relationships – everyone has a story about how they were betrayed. However, betrayal as a child has huge implications on the relationships that the child will have as an adult. Sexual abuse and particularly incest is often the betrayal by an intimate person.
Pain of Intimate Betrayal
An NSPCC report in 1989 “Child Sexual Abuse Trends in England and Wales” reported 86% of abusers were a relative or someone known to the child, only 14% were abused by strangers. This pattern is repeated today. Of the 13,237 children counselled for sexual abuse by ChildLine in 2007/08 the vast majority were abused by someone they knew:
- 59 per cent said they had been sexually abused by a family member
- 29 per cent said they had been sexually abused by someone else known to them
- 4 per cent said they had been sexually abused by a stranger
In 2005 – 2006 statistics:
- 22% of girls cited their father as the abuser
- 20% of boys cited their father as the abuser
(Source: www.childline.org.uk and www.nspcc.org.uk )
The closer the person is to the abuser the more traumatic it will be for the victim. The more intimate the relationship, the more the pain, the deeper the betrayal, and the more difficult it is going to be for the child in adult life to form deep and trusting relationships with others. This is of course especially true if the abuser is one of the few people in the child’s life who has made him or her feel “special”.
Betrayal In Abuse:
Who causes the betrayal in abuse?
There are three levels:
- The abuser – the most obvious act of betrayal
- The failure of the family especially the “other parent” – in incest cases – to protect the child
- The failure of the society/church/school/ wider community to protect the child and see what was happening
This often leaves the child with no place at all to turn to.
Relationships And Betrayal:
Relationships become very difficult because of the betrayal of the abuse, so often we may become isolated and avoid relationships. As soon as we experience feelings of the powerlessness in a relationship it puts us straight back in touch with the pain and powerlessness of the abuse. We can feel we do not want to risk another heartache and disappointment so we become suspicious of relationships and people; even to the extent that we may feel we prefer it when people are abusive because at least we know where we stand.
We can end up killing our desire for relationship with others – leaving ourselves extremely isolated.
Fear Of Betrayal
The fear of betrayal makes relationships very very difficult in adult life. Relationships are often unconsciously sabotaged so that the closeness that they bring can be avoided. Without closeness and trust the fear of betrayal is then controlled.
Fear of betrayal acts out in relationships through:
- The abuser – the most obvious act of betrayal
- The failure of the family especially the “other parent” – in incest cases – to protect the child
- The failure of the society/church/school/ wider community to protect the child and see what was happening
Fear Of Intimacy:
- Core trust has been lost so there are huge difficulties and fear in trusting people again
- Being close to someone becomes very frightening
Suspiciousness:
- Suspicion over people’s motives/Feelings of paranoia about others
- Waiting for someone to let us down and betray us
- Anticipating being let down and doing it first so to keep the control
Over Vigilant/ Over Analytical:
- An over awareness of what people see or think about us
- Constantly concerned about others/Lack of objectivity – reading too much into situations
- Over scrutiny/analysing behaviour or situations – looking for others to betray constantly
- Results in loss of objectivity and exhaustion
Denial:
- Our minds tell us partial truths that we latch onto
- Avoiding betrayal by living in fantasy and half truths
- Also not being aware of what is obvious to others – avoiding the truth
Learning To Trust
The way out of isolation is to communicate in relationships – find out what others are really thinking – not what we perceive they are thinking. Also, by being accountable for thought obsessions and fantasy with a trusted person. Fear of betrayal isolates us and puts us in touch with pain and loss – but with support we can learn how to cultivate healthy relationships with good boundaries, respect, communication and equality.
Learning to trust is a long and painful road. Starting with small steps of trusting others can bring confidence that leads onto more major changes in relationships. We also need to be wise, not everyone is trustworthy. We need to accept that without being suspicious of all people. We may not always have cutting edge discernment, but we can observe certain attributes about people that give us clues as to whether we can trust and take the risk of a relationship with them.
Things to think about:
- Do you hold back in relationships for fear of being betrayed?
- Have you experienced being badly let down by others?
- Who do you feel is responsible for the pain of your past?
- Are you aware when people are attracted to you?
- What happens when we feel warm towards others?
- How do we react when we are experience physical closeness?
- What are some of the attributes/signals that would indicate to you a person is trustworthy?