Published articles by Rebecca Mitchell on issues around sexual abuse
Enjoying Sex After Child Sexual Abuse
Published in “Interact” The Journal of the Trauma and Abuse Group
September 2011
We live in a society where sex is high on the agenda. Our media in particular can be swamped by images and illusions to sex. ‘Socially, we’ve made sex an imperative,’ says Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist for Relate. ‘Having a healthy sex life isn’t seen as an optional extra, it’s seen as essential’ (Seal, 2010). If however sex has been to you a source of pain, confusion and trauma, this can leave you feeling an outsider to say the least.
Sex Should Be…
Sex is supposed to be about a shared experience – a re-empowering and a source of comfort and strength for two people who are deeply involved with each other. John Gray in his book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom says:
‘Great sex reminds both men and women of the tender and highest love that originally drew them together. The alchemy of great sex generates the chemicals in the brain and body that allows the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health’ (Gray, 1997).
It is a symbol therefore of many phpects of a relationship – of giving and receiving.
Whether you are having sex or not, however, your sexuality is still a fundamental part of you – it is who you are at the core of your being. This is why, because it is so delicate and important, the effects of it being violated are so devastating.
Sex Is So Confusing
It’s not hard to see why it is so difficult to feel in touch with your sexuality if you have been abused as a child. Sex may be something you want to avoid at all costs and you may end up with feelings of fear and even repulsion. Conversely, sex can be a source of comfort, and whilst there is nothing wrong with enjoying the good feelings sex gives us, sex can be used as a way of running away from difficulties and a source of temporary pain relief – perhaps by having frequent partners, or perhaps by using the internet to access pornography, which can become highly addictive. Both of these behaviour cycles are the result of deep hurt and unhappiness. Understandably, being a victim of sexual abuse can leave a person with some very distorted views of sex. Finkelhor states: ‘The effects that victims may experience include avoidance of sex, disgust with anything sexual, a consuming interest in sex, or problems with sexual identity’ (Finkelhor, 1984).
Feeling Turned On
During sexual abuse, you may have experienced some extremely confusing body responses. You may not want to face these feelings, and you certainly may not want to talk about them. During the abuse, you may have experienced physical pleasure or even an orgasm. However, this is merely an in-built biological body response and has nothing to do with real sexual enjoyment. As Dan Allender says: “The fact is that sexual arousal is possible in an unsuspecting victim because a small child has arousal receptors in his penis or her clitoris that do respond to touch. But the fact does not justify the sexualisation of relationship … Nevertheless, the experience of pleasure in the midst of powerlessness and betrayal sets off a profoundly convoluted spiral of damage” (Allender, 1990).
Understandably, this can be the source of significant false guilt and shame for victims who can begin to believe that, because their body responded, they are somehow responsible for the abuse and even colluded in it. A manipulative abuser who notices body responses will often use this as a way of evading responsibility and infer that the victim “enjoyed it”. This is of course totally untrue but leads to extremely confusing feelings about sex, sexuality and feeling sexually excited.
Penny Parks goes a step further and dares to broach the subject of feeling aroused by children: “While reading a book on women’s sexual fantasies, I discovered that fantasies about children being molested sexually excited me. I was shocked. My first thought was ‘Oh no I’m going to be a molester!’ Yet since I had no sexual interest in children I decided not to panic but to take a little time to work it out. The first sexual stimulation experienced makes a definite impression on people. When a similar situation occurs or is read about, there is a mild form of stimulation surrounding the memory. It does not matter if the memory was good or bad; it just registers as an experience that is familiar” (Parks, 1990).
You can see how confusing this is for people who may not have the insight or information that Penny Parks did. However, even if this is not a problem, many victims of sexual abuse struggle with deep-rooted feelings of ambivalence towards sex, relationships and sexual attraction.
It’s Yes and Its No
Ambivalence – feeling two contradictory things at the same time – often surrounds adult victims of sexual abuse and this ambivalence can be very destructive. Survivors often tap into a cross-current of diametrically-opposing emotions at moments of sexual awareness and attraction. This could be simply when ‘fancying’ someone or it could be at the moment of making love to your partner.
Sexual ambivalence is especially prevalent if the abuser was known intimately to the victim and had a relationship with them – and statistically this is the most likely scenario. ChildLine statistics for 2007/08 show that the vast majority of children who phoned regarding sexual abuse were abused by someone they knew. Only 4% disclosed being sexually abused by a stranger and the majority (59%) were abused by a family member.
This leaves an extremely bewildering scenario where the child is often in an extremely close relationship with the abuser – a relationship that may be very meaningful to the child. That person’s sexual violation understandably will leave the child’s mind in chaos. For children who have received very little love or affection, being offered that attention in a way that is outwardly sincere and caring, but which becomes abusive, will invariably lead to a massive sense of confusion and betrayal: something you rightfully needed has turned into something horrific and violating. It is not unlike biting into an apple and realising halfway through that you have eaten a maggot.
Sexual feelings can then be connected with the betrayal and powerlessness of abuse. This carries on into adult relationships where legitimate sexual pleasure or even just a flirtatious incident carries not just enjoyment but also shame and revulsion. Relationships are then marked with the conflicting feelings of desire and disgust. This makes it very difficult not just for the victims of abuse but their partners too: “Confused couples are revictimised in their lovemaking again and again by the unhealed wounds of the past” (Rosenau, 1994).
Changing Your Mind Like a Girl Changes Clothes?
One of the core problems of ambivalent feelings can be that you emit confusing messages to people whom you find attractive or with whom you are involved. I had a client some years ago who was trapped in this paradoxical communication with men. On occasion she would find herself attracted to a man and would start to engage with him, giving off strong signals that she found him attractive. And then suddenly, without warning, she would pull away, leaving him feeling very confused. In reality she was acting out her ambivalent feelings, first flirting and then freezing, but it left the man perhaps feeling that he was the victim of some kind of game.
This can happen on many levels – all the way from a chance meeting with a stranger at a party, to actually being in relationships but running away once a certain level of intimacy is attained. Essentially this behaviour is underlain by feelings of deep confusion. One part wants to engage but the other part, which perhaps even only unconsciously remembers the extreme pain and betrayal of being abused in a relationship, doesn’t want to risk that again.
A recent song by Katy Perry sums up this ambivalent behaviour very well:
You change your mind like a girl changes clothes…
You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no≥
You don’t really want to stay
But you don’t really want to go
(Martin, Gottwald & Perry, 2008)
I can identify strongly with this behaviour. As someone who experienced many years of sexual abuse, I was extremely ambivalent about relationships with men. However, when I met my husband I was strongly drawn to him and made a real play for him. And yet on our second date I tried to finish with him! I wanted to be with him but I feared that it would bring me further pain and betrayal.
Addiction To Sex
There is another side of this misplaced sexuality. As we have mentioned before, sex can be used as a reprieve from emotional pain and also to gain a sense of power. Sexual attraction can be used to entice and then abandon a partner: “The survivor’s response to abuse can be the abuse of others … compulsively seductive” (Blume, 1990).
A client told me once, “I can have any man I want.” I didn’t doubt it. However, she was finding that her current lifestyle didn’t lend itself to long-term satisfaction – it was beginning to compound the inner shame of the abuse and oppose her legitimate desire to have a meaningful sexual relationship. Her behaviour was typical of Sue Blume’s research in which she found that “sex with strangers [was] concurrent with [an] inability to have sex in an intimate relationship” (Blume, 1990).My client had been led (bravely in my view) to join the women’s group that I was facilitating in order to explore this pattern of relating, and to see if she could get some support to make changes to it.
Friendships Can Become Distorted
Friendships with women and men can also often become distorted following sexual abuse due to the nature of that abusive ‘relationship’ being sexualised. This can result in the “sexualising of all meaningful relationships” (Blume, 1990). Abuse survivors can misinterpret longings for intimacy with sexuality and subconsciously sexualise relationships, either in reality or in fantasy. This can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in relationships – being loved and cared for can be mistaken for or confused with sexual attraction. Consequently some survivors may withdraw from potentially healthy friendships as they feel alarmed at the sexual feelings that the intimacy is bringing.
Taking this into the counselling room, you can see how a client could be bewildered about their feelings towards their therapist who is drawing close to them. Past close relationships have been sexualised, so sexual feelings towards the counsellor are extremely likely. Clients may feel very frightened by these feelings – this is especially true of clients who have been very isolated and their counsellor is their main support. They may be nervous of the therapist’s reaction and alarmed by the strength of their own feelings.
If during a counselling session a therapist suspects that sexual feelings are creeping in for the client, it is important to support him or her by talking through these feelings in a non-judgmental way. Bringing them into the session safely is extremely important as the client may feel shocked and overwhelmed by their feelings for the therapist. Encouraging the client to see that their past abuse links closeness with sex for them can go a long way towards helping a client clarify their relationship with the therapist. And it is just as relevant to work this through in relation to platonic friendships outside the counselling room.
Not Being Present
It is also my experience of working with victims of sexual trauma that they have significant problems in their physical relationships because of dissociation. As child psychologist Bruce Perry explains, “One of the defining elements of a traumatic experience – particularly one that is so traumatic that one dissociates because there is no other way to escape from it – is a complete loss of control and a sense of utter powerlessness.” (Perry & Szalavitz, 2006).
This often means that when physical contact becomes intimate and sexual feelings start to stir – during lovemaking or perhaps a passionate kiss – dissociation kicks in, as this has been a learnt response to coping with pain and helplessness in the past. As trauma survivor Carolyn Spring writes: “My mind went away but my body could not … we parcelled up little chunks of our mind bit by bit and sent them off … they could be forgotten and not heard” (Spring, 2009).
However, often this becomes ingrained behaviour around sexual experiences. A sensitive partner will automatically sense this – and it can lead to feelings of rejection and confusion for him or her. One client said to me, “My husband says that when we have sex I’m obviously not there and it just feels so lonely for him”. This could be the time to stop the physical phpect of the relationship and seek help. However it must be stressed that this is all about communication and trust. Suddenly stopping sex or kissing with no explanation is likely to cause huge negative repercussions in the relationship – so communication and discussion are key.
Overcoming the Past In The Bedroom
When you are involved with another person, the effects of the abuse do not just impact you – they become part of your relationship, and this in turn becomes part of your partner’s life and struggles. “So much of the joy and freedom of life and relationships is destroyed as a result of sexual abuse. Survivors appreciate mates who will take the time to understand their reality in a loving and patient way” (Rosenau, 1994).
During the years that Into The Light has been running, the women within the group have themselves come up with some very practical measures about how you can take control in relationships when the trauma of sexual confusion starts to kick in.
These are a few of the key points that women in the groups have found helpful:
- If you are in a relationship, explain to your partner that sexuality is a difficult area for you as a whole – it’s not just about them and their attractiveness.
- Build good physical boundaries with which you are both happy and feel safe. Do this before you start getting physical with each other – often there is not time once things get heated.
- If you are in an embrace or kissing, keep your eyes open so that you stay focused on who you are with and your mind can’t be tricked into putting the abuser’s face there.
- Get your partner to keep talking to you – for example by speaking your name when you are physically involved and especially if you are having sex. This again will help you to stay in the present.
- Explain to your partner what happens to you if you start having flashbacks during sex. Work out a plan together that ‘grounds’ you in the here and now.
- Go slowly. Get to know your partner without having full sex.
- Let excitement and trust build slowly. Start with hand-holding and gentle kissing.
- If you are dating and your partner does not respect your physical boundaries and what you are happy with, reconsider the whole relationship. If you are in a permanent relationship, seek outside support as soon as possible.
But perhaps the most central way out of the pain of the past is to share it. The healing of the physical violation of our bodies can start with physically speaking it out. As Carolyn Spring says, “When we remember, when we say it, when we tell it, then suddenly our body stops remembering” (Spring, 2009). It is then perhaps that we are in the best place to focus on relaxing and even enjoying the good feelings our bodies were created to give us.
References:
Allender, D. (1990) The Wounded Heart. Colorado Springs: NavPress.
Blume, E. S. (1990) Secret Survivors. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons
Childline (2006) Childline Casenotes. Available at http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/publications/casenotes/
clcasenotessexualabuse_wdf48189.pdf. Accessed 27 July 2011.
Finkelhor, D. (1984) Child sexual abuse: new theory and research. New York: Free Press.
Gray, J. (1997) Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. London: Vermilion.
Martin, M., Gottwald, L. & Perry, K. (2008) Hot N Cold, from the album One of the Boys. New York: Capitol Music Group
Parks, P. (1990) Rescuing the Inner Child. London: Souvenir Press
Perry, B. & Szalavitz, M. (2006) The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Basic Books.
(Source “The Boy who was raised as a dog” by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz Published by Basic Books 2006 page 53)
Rosenau, D. (1994) Celebration of Sex. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
Seal, R. (2010) No sex please: the joys of a celibate life. Daily Telegraph, 6 December 2010, available at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/8168531/No-sex-please-the-joys-of-a-celibate-life.html. Accessed 27 July 2011.
Spring, C. (2009) The Body Remembers, Interact March 2009, volume 9 number 1. TAG (Trauma and Abuse Group).