Sadly, victims of abuse can internally carry the shame that belongs to the abuser. Penny Parks says in her book “Rescuing The Inner Child”: “The aggressor projects the blame and guilt onto the child and the child accepts that projection as truth. It is like life imprisonment for a crime that someone else has committed.” (Source: “Rescuing The Inner Child”- Penny Parks – Human Horizons Series: Published 1990 p 43) It is shame that can keep the abuse a secret which can create isolation and make it difficult for you to be close to other people even though you may really want to. Putting the shame firmly back where it belongs to in your own mind (even if that person never admits it) is part of the way to freedom it. Letter writing is one way of doing this. Writing it down makes thoughts more tangible and real and can help you to lift the shame and false responsibility of the abuse onto the abuser.
Firstly, a word of warning, undertaking a letter writing exercise can provoke very powerful feelings and should be done with the support. This could be a close friend or if you have one a support group or a counsellor.
An exercise that can help to lift shame is to write a comforting letter to yourself but as a child. This would be to the child or young person around the age that the abuse started assuring the child the abuse was not their fault.
If this is hard to do imagine then think about a friend you were close to when you were that age. Picture that child in your mind. Their size, their smile, their eyes and their giggle.
Here are some ideas you could include in the letter:
- Assure the child they are have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of.
- Explain why they are not to blame.
- Specify why the abuser is the guilty party.
- Would you like to touch or hug them? Can you say that in your letter?
- How could you give her or him permission to be angry and upset?
- Tell the child you feel sad and upset they have suffered to cruelly.
- Assure him or her you will look after her or him in the future.
(Source: New Shoes by Rebecca Mitchell: Published by Lion Hudson 2011 page 39)