The Auto-Immune Reaction
Shot through with pain and rage
Sky high on boiling blood
and adrenaline
Heart pounding through my head
Breath trapped in my trachea
I am over sensed
I am all aflamed
How can I hold this?
How to contain it?
My mind will shatter
will scatter
through the looking glass,
across a thousand nights,
and into the deep, dark wood.
I want to scream
I want to push
I could scratch
your bloody
eyes
out
Your smug, laughing, cruel
bloody
eyes
out
Honestly, I can’t tell you
how angry I feel
No, honestly, I can’t
If I did
what
would become
of me?
I’ll swallow it down
all that anger
how it sticks in my throat
Worse than cough syrup
Worse than cod liver oil
No spoonful of sugar
No ruby red apple
to help this poison down
down to the pit
of my guts
down
through the acid
through the epithelial layer
through the matrix
No time for osmosis
for diapedesis
for chemotaxis
into my pulsing arteries I will force it
I will scream
I will push
I will scratch
my own bloody
cells
out
Atomic fury
Molecular self-harm
Topsy turvy
This can’t be undone
Hocus pocus
by phagocytosis
I will eat myself
all up
Now I can’t put my foot down
So I won’t put my foot down
and you’ll walk away
scot free
I can’t tell you
I will never tell you
how angry
I feel
By Natasha
The Script
Picked up a script, and started reading,
Didn’t put it down for years,
Had no clue that it would be leading
To binding shame and ferocious fears.
Had no choice; it was thrust upon me,
Before I could even tell the time,
Didn’t know it would be decades
Until the clock of freedom would chime.
I saw, and heard, and felt and tasted,
Smelt and read and read some more,
‘Til not one little dot was wasted
I’d absorbed the book and learnt the score!
I’d move to the sound of the unbending rhythm,
Measured, restricted, no room to reform,
No Love or dominion to re-write the lyrics,
Or insider’s knowledge to save me from harm
Such was the screenplay mapped out before me,
Including instructions on how I should act,
Now that I live on the right side of healing , I ask,
“What was fiction, and how much was fact?”
By Abigail
Gaps
Gaps in the graphics,
Always knew they were there,
But stuff I saw made me
More reluctant to share
It was fresh, it was new,
Never been there before,
And the scary specifics
Made me feel like a whore
I know if I trust You
I’ll come out the other side,
With more freedom than ever,
Nothing to prove, lose, or hide.
Gaps in the graphics,
Want them to stay as they are
Then once and forever,
That ship can sail afar.
By Abigail
Plenty
I mumbled yet you did not ask me to repeat myself.
You knew that I would have said, “Nothing”.
You knew, though in saying nothing, that I was saying plenty,
You perceived correctly,
That my expression was all I could possibly manage at that time
There was no sound, but we both sensed the reverberating din.
Here was the reality of the deep and painful story being told.
It was as though in the silence, you heard my questions and answers.
In my omission, you discerned the guilt and the shame.
“If I speak, what will happen?” I thought.
Even I knew the mute anger was bouncing off the walls, and resting on my lips.
That intake of breath, the faint whisper, void of decibels, spoke volumes.
You recognised that it was deafening, it must have been hard for you too,
Yet your gentle eyes said, “I understand. Please don’t worry, I will wait.”
Some things cannot be hurried, especially when they’re coming from such a distance.
Up and over the mountain of fear, trudging through the swamp of denial,
Crawling through the nettles of despair, shuffling across the bridge with no name
No name for the story yet to be released.
Your genuine smile said, “At least you are here. You are safe, you are moving forward.
Be at ease. I am at ease with your silence. I will wait. Take your time.”
Now I can’t thank you enough.
By Abigail
That Look
As they walk through the door, just one look in their eyes,
Tells me, “Yes, it’s going to be one of those nights”
The knot in my tummy starts heaving and weaving its way
Through my system.
The runaway train in action.
Who knows if or when it will stop?
It runs out of steam and eventually grinds to a halt,
And I am left in the wake of that smoky bitter encounter.
“Will this ever end?” I ask myself in the dark. “No”, I reply
As my companion Despair wraps his arms around me,
And together we wait for the dawn.
What a snapshot.
Then one day, I snapped, and shot them a glance which said,
“No more. You can’t make me do that anymore.
You can’t make me squirm and disappear with the elves
Ever again.
I’m here. I’m present. I’m strong, and I choose my own nights,
My own encounters, my own mode of transport, to where I
Choose to go…I think.”
Another time, another place, another look, or should I say,
“gaze?”
Beckoning me to a place of safety with no tricks, no trains, no
knots.
Who ever imagined a true definition of, “Love”, the unfailing kind
that never leaves?
One look into those eyes, and I am guided on a journey of healing,
And wholeness, boldness and more than a snapshot of who I
Really am.
What a sweet adventure, even on shady days.
“Will it ever end?” I ask in the light. “No” I hear back.
And I am wrapped in warm silk, and comforted for life.
Now I sit and I smile with my companion..Insight.
By Abigail
My Story
I have no memory of before
Only stains remain since that fateful date
The day you stole my childhood
Nothing was to be the same
I , 4 years younger
You , bigger brother
Surely always to look after me?
Alas not for me
Only betrayal and disgust
Your decision to touch me
By force or fear
You were the raider of innocence.
The sanctuary of the bedroom
Replaced with tears , fear, disbelief and dread.
Hear your feet climbing the stairs,
Opening the door walking to my bed
I held my breath , wishing I was asleep
Only to be scared wide awake
As you acted out your sick desire
I screamed for mum as loud as I could
Only silence was to be
So many family near
So near to be saved
From the beast within my room
My world collapsed in so many ways
The fear will never be forgotten
Your touch like a cold claw
Tearing at my clothes as silence and horror took me
Praying the invasion will be quick
What to say?
How to explain ?
I was but a boy you a young man,
The golden one within the pride
The apple of your fathers eye.
Far too many months
Years for a child
I was trapped
Until the day you flew the nest
I was at last free to rest
But it didn’t end there
Too simple an ending I would wish
Some hurts never recover
Some cuts too deep to heal
Memories never forgotten
I hid behind a mask for years to come
You took away the boy
Deprived of the man I may have been
I became the man I had to be to hide the pain and shame
Too many what ifs in my life..
Minds try to forget , bury , and conceal
Passing of years ease guilt and shame,
Until one day the world implodes
To the memory of the frightened child
As your brother comes up to bed…..
The love for my mum I would not see her hurt
To allow such pain and sadness on a soul already heavy
Endure I did to act like brothers
Until the time I knew would come
When mum could no longer be hurt
I have asked myself so many times
Why ? Why? Why?
I will never know or comprehend the vile act you did bestow
Too late for excuses , too late for sorrows
This is your guilt, your secret, your shame.
The whispering one summers day
The audience my wife, my rock
To see her weep in disbelief and shock
Her hug ,it’s meaning
Gave me strength to make my move
I will tell my story to those that ought to know
To explain my disconnect, moods, behaviour it may help
To some it will bring upset and asking of questions
For the survivor there is always more
For you your fair share is on its way.
For 36 years it stayed in my mind
Now it’s slowly eeking out
So I am where I am
A survivor, a silent statistic
But I am no longer that scared frightened child.
Revenge nor forgiveness are not for me
There are innocents here I am aware
But my voice will be heard
So my brother it is up to you,
Unlike me you have a choice.
By a Male Client who has used our services
Years Have Past
Years have past
Pages of my life written
My face has changed
My family grown
That little girl inside my head
Has shown her face
Come out from the dark
Taken of that mysterious mask
Shared her story
Bared her soul
That little girl doesn’t have to hide anymore
The shame and guilt has lifted
‘I haven’t done anything wrong’
No more secrets and lies
That little girl doesn’t appear frightened so much anymore
That little girl has told me it’s ok
She can be apart of my memories
Not trapped anymore
She has taken my hand and said I can let go
I can see a future free of him
And those that let him be…
Regoinse my differences and celebrate them
I was aloud to share my story
Never was I judged
I trusted
I was shown that I’m ok
Shown I can live without his shame and contempt
I feel free because I have been shown
That I’m ok I’m not weird
You have helped free me from my internal prison
Let me see I’m worthwhile
It’s never to late…
From the bottom of my heart
And from that little girl
You have given me the hope I so desperately needed
Taken me on a journey deep and buried
A journey I was so ready for
Years of silence and pain
You have set me free
Thank you…
By past Into The Light Group member
Walls
Today my walls came crashing down
The walls that made me frown
Maybe tomorrow I’ll smile
Just for a while
When they crashed
I thought my hopes were dashed
Tomorrow I’ll smile
Just for a while
When I let you in
I can’t hear the din
Today I’ll smile
Yes smile
Just for a while.
By Ed
Beauty
Tell me of a child’s beauty that waits inside, lying dormant ready to grow.
Is this the beauty, not stolen but wrongly borrowed,
the spirit and the treasure hidden?
Or is this the false beauty of the person whole,
lost behind walls of secrets, lies and truths to be told.
Beauty is the peace, the mended holes in body and soul.
The time of knowing, of feeling, of being and understanding all that has passed and making it one.
By Simon
Beyond The Mask
Beyond the mask
Our greatest fears
Beyond the mask
Flows uncried tears
Beyond the mask
Much pain and hurt
The brokenness of a human heart.
Beyond the mask
Too deep to measure
The thoughts and memories buried there
No amount of pleasure can repair.
Beyond the mask
Bitterness and anger are strongly rooted
Is there a love that can ever uproot this?
Beyond the mask
Dare we journey there?
But the constant hate and turmoil who alone can bear?
Beyond the mask
That lonely place where no-one seems to care or love us.
Yes, it’s such unpleasant ground,
Yet it’s in this very same place that healing is found
Beyond the mask
Go deep,deep, deep beyond.
God will you give the courage and strength to journey on.
Beyond the mask
Reality, truth and those inward parts the years so well conceal.
Take off the mask,
Begin to peel …
How beautiful – when you are revealed!
By Gemma
This beautiful painting is by Michelle, A Group Member of the Women’s Ten Week Into The Light Course in London.
She says ‘This represents our deserved happiness as a group of strong beautiful women battling our way to a life of love, light and peace.’
Silent Scream
Sometimes it can’t be heard
It gets stifled by the louder other things.
Things that mask and disguise it
Things that try to protect its release
If you listen carefully, really carefully
Really want to listen
you can hear it
Faintly pleading, quietly longing to be heard
But you don’t listen
Your ears are filtered, just hearing those who are
obvious and immediate
But it’s still there, it does not leave
the voice of my silent scream.
By Tia
My Childhood
I used to drift away
I didn’t want to stay
In this world
I used to lie on my bed in the dark,
Imagining that if I was quiet and small enough
I could disappear
Vanish into thin air.
I had no one to turn to,
No one to share the pain,
My world was lonely, isolated, dark and plain.
How could you leave me?
How could you betray me so,
When you knew how lonely I was,
Why did you let me go?
Why didn’t you come to hold me,
Why didn’t you ease the pain?
Why didn’t you let me know
You were there for me through joy and pain.
Why didn’t you show me love,
And that there’s someone who cares,
When you saw the hurt inside me,
And how I was all alone and scared?
How could you leave me?
How could you betray me so,
When you knew how lonely I was
Why did you let me go?
By Kati
Into the Light
You called us out of darkness
Into your phenomenal light
Are equipping us for battle
To continue the fight.
You shower us with comfort
So we can share in your triumph
Over sadness and despair
While warring against loneliness and fear.
You gave us grace, to walk daily with you
Perfect love to dry our salty tear
You shroud us in your cloak of unfailing love
You are with us always
Whether we felt you, or believe it
You remain with us eternally
You’ve called us out of a veil of darkness
Into your glorious, translucent light
You’re forever exposing every secret, gently
Every hidden damaged vein you reveal
Now exposed the betrayal, the guilt, contempt and shame
Your conflagration strips layer up on layer away.
Your shining and unabating glow
Brings forth nourishment for our dry land
You are forever with us, Father
Restoring now, what was once eaten and wasted
Swelling with torrents of life to our starving
and parched lives
With you and in you we, by grace remain
For out of the solemn darkness
Yes, out of the eternal darkness
And into your marvellous light we come.
By Blondelle
There is a well of sadness
There is a well of sadness
That’s hidden deep inside
A well of pain and bitter hurt
For many years denied
The child within cries alone
For one who does not hear
The child within has no one
Does anybody care?
She cries but no one listens
Again she cries alone
There is no one to comfort
Do they have hearts of stone?
She builds a wall around her
To hide from all the pain
People have to learn her trust
Is not so easy to attain.
By Monika
I Want To Own My Pain
I want to own my pain
I want to set her free
I want to give the world
The little girl that’s me
She’s been alone for o so long
She’s hidden away in fear
She deserves to see the world
And have a voice for them to hear
She’s not the guilty party
Her innocence was pure
She was ever such a pretty girl
Who has been treated like manure
She has great hidden talent
A light that shines so bright
For she can make people laugh
A gift that gives delight
Her green eyes sparkle with delight
A smile plays on her lips
Ignore the many years
Of pain showing on her hips
By Monika
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